This is Lenman

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Mortal Enemy

I hate this thing.
It is loud.
It is scary.
This thing completely ruins all my hard work.

I spend hours shedding hair, in every room , on all the furniture, only to have this stupid loud piece of crap come along and suck it all up.

I hate everything about it.
I hate that its green.
I hate that it sucks up my precious kitty litter that I leave around as a marking in all the rooms I claim as my own.

Mostly, I hate it because it gives me attitude. I'll be sitting there minding my own business when this loud effing shitbox comes and scares the shit out me.

Die Vaccum. Die.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Jokes you you, Sucka

Being new to using the computer, to which I was only drawn to in the first place because of the so-called "mouse" which I have learnt, it neither edible, nor moves of its own free will, I have discovered that actual 'humans' have these blog things too.

And that one can even get a Review.. (??)

Much to my chagrin, I realise that it is unfortunately made by the same idiotic species as the parents... Dumb Fuckers.

I just don't think that a Human is one to judge the placidity of my life - such is, my daily routine of lying around, hiding in cupboards, and licking myself.

Unless you have actually sat down and licked yourself for 2 straight hours, who are you to judge the banality of my favourite past-time?

You're just lucky that I am never allowed to leave the confines of the apartment, otherwise i'd shed hair all over your favourite black pants, and leave ass-crumpets all over the clean sheets, and get into bed with kitty litter stuck to me and stand on your head and breathe into your face for no apparent reason.

Don't try to understand me. Just love me for who I am, and I might jump on your lap and purrr.. that is all.

Friday, November 17, 2006


Is it just me or did it get insanely cold recently??

I tried all my most heat sourcing avenues. Under the Doona, In someones Armpit, and found the perfect place .. On top of The Rheem.

The best part about sitting on top of The Rheem is that noone knows where you are, and therefore think that you magically escaped.

The funniest part of this is that it is effing impossible for me to escape, yet The Retards think that I have the ability to open locks with my mind, and be able to dissipate my molecules and travel through glass windows.

They looked everywhere for me. Really "justifiable" places.... Inside saucepans, up and down the hall incase I mystically evaporated out of thin air.

Ha! Jokes on them when they finally found me in the New Best Hiding Spot Evah.

My ass is like toast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Weekend Shmeekend

What is the big deal about weekends? Everything blends into a monotony of blandness for me anyway.

The most stand-out events that would distract me from my normal daily activities to symbolise a weekend are as follows:

Friday - was totally snubbed off so the parents could go to a play - which meant I had the house to myself all night, so I ran up and down the hall about 15 times. The exciting part was that they brought home some leftovers and a blanket with remnants of "outside" on it, so I got to sit on it and pretend that I too was outside enjoying life, rather than being cooped up all day.

Sunday - everyone was home and sleeping on my couches so I had to sleep on the floor like a loser. I hate when everyone is home.

In other news my dish has BROKEN! Not Happy Jan.

They tried to Superglue it together. what morons. do they not realise that, that shit is toxic? do they want me to die?

Look how pretty it was!!

I don't know which one broke it, but I have been torturing them trying to find out.

I did the 'shit on the sheets' torture on Saturday morning, so they would have to get up early and do laundry - because we all know, that noone likes to sleep in a bed with shit on it. Sucked In.

So for now, I will stick to eating off their plates when they aren't looking. I had some cake, weird. No fish or chicken in it at all. No wonder the parents are so grumpy all the time. stupid cake.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

My Domain. My Bed

I don't know why the parents get all uppity about me sleeping in the middle of the bed all the time - after all it is MY bed.

I sleep in it more than they do. If it was possible to make love to the bed, you'd bet your ass i'd be first in line.

To be exact, I like sleeping in between both pillows - sprawled out getting spooned by either one of the parents in bed with me.

I think this is the best position for me because it also means that the parents can't touch each other and have to hug up to me if they want any warmth or affection.

One time they tried to make me sleep at the bottom... yeah right.

Then they tried to give me my own bed, and whilst it was kinda cute.. it was really too small... compared to a queen size bed where I can really stretch out.

What is this?? a bed for a midget? I need S P A C E, and blankies, and someone's armpit to snuggle in.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


I have mentioned in the past how much I love Olivia Newton-John.
I was doing an excellent rendition to Physical this afternoon:

Lets get Physical. Physical.
I wanna get Physical. Physical.
Let me see your claws move. Your claws move.

I know that technically I had a little "help" dancing, which might be misconstrued by any acting cruelty to animals society, as 'manhandling' or an 'abuse of power' or even 'a blow to a cat's dignity'.. but without the help I couldn't do my standing on hind legs move.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Getting Comfy with Lenman

Its hard getting to my level of relaxedness. It takes training and hardwork, and I would like to share my secrets.

Clawing Stuff

Clawing things is very relaxing. It fun to destroy things, namely all couches in the vacinity of my claws. Its best to get good clawing time in when noone is home, because if they are home, they yell at you and chase you around, and getting chased isn't very relaxing.

Gettin Comfy Anywhere, Anytime

You have to be prepared to get comfy in any position. Ie: under doonas, on top of wardrobes, undeneath chairs, or the more abstract comfy place might present itself to you; like an Arm for example. Just block out the world and get into the position that you find most comfy. It's not necessary to close your legs.

Honing in on the comfortability of others

What better way to get relaxed and comfy than by finding someone who is already comfy and honing yourself in. It's a good idea to take note of when the parentals are having naps, reading a book, or just generally following them around and jumping on them when they sit down. It's also important to "out-relax" any other person in the room. If there is going to be someone who is insanely relaxed, its going to be me!

Fan Mail

I got the mail today and thought "yippee! fan mail for me!"

yeah, it wasn't.

It was from some stupid bank or something. Could I open an account to store my Fancy Feasts in I wonder?

I thought maybe i'd be getting some mail from my friends, Emma, Oscar, Bella, or maybe a response to my letter that I wrote to WHISKERS after they stopped making my favourite canned food. I demand answers.

I like Mail. I like to gnaw on it. Nothing is better than having a good gnaw on a bill, christmas card, or important document (like birth certificates, or passports).. ofcourse, I get into trouble when I do this. But what else am I supposed to gnaw on?? you tell me.


I was banished again last night!! And for what!

Excuse me for standing on your heads at 3am. I didn't know you didnt like that. Excuse me for meowing incessantly next to your head. I didnt know you didnt like that either.

But that is no reason to banish me into the 'spare room' all night!

OOOh they'll get theirs!

The last time they banished me to the spare room all night I really got em back good by doing a sloppy poo all over the powercords.. It was kind of a miracle that I wasnt electrocuted to be honest.

Meh - as long as I have my 'tunnel', 'mr pelican', and assorted muppets on shoelaces, they can banish me as much as they want. Do they really think it makes a difference?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006



Chilling on the couch and pretending to be human is one of my fav things to do (along with playing princess, destroying the couch, having my nails clipped and hogging the bed)

I must say, I am a bit peeved that I was kicked out of the bedroom last night! All I did was run up and down the hall 15 times meowing to announce that I had droppped a large smelly poo. What else should I have done ??

There are too many "rules" to live by.

If I wasnt so mindnumbly comfy right now, I'd get up and stink it up just to teach them a lesson.

OOh commercial break is over.