Ask Lenman

Welcome Readers to this Month's ASK LENMAN

Dear Lenman,

Can you offer me some helps of where a nice warm place to sleep in winter would be? You see I sleep outside on the stairs, and I fear that I am getting feline-hemorrhoids on my fluffy behind.. - Sincerly, Whitey.

Dear Whitey,

First of all I have no idea what this "outside" is that you speak of, why the hell aren't you inside your owners bed? shedding hair and sticking your claws in their back whilst they sleep. You see this blanket I am lying on, this is my special blanket - I suggest you get your own special blanket.

Dear Lenman,

Why Why Why Do you feel the need to bathe yourself on my head at 3am?.. - Sincerly, the feeding lady.

Dear Lady,

Why Why Why are you sleeping where I have a bath? this place is big enough for you to find somewhere else to sleep. Might I suggest on the stairs with Whitey?

Dear Lenman,

Why do cats sniff dirty underpants around the laundry hamper? this is kind of disgusting.... - Sincerly, Grossed Out.

Dear Grossy,

Have you not heard of "Au Du Crotch"?? It is an amazing scent that you stupid humans seem to disregard and wash off your outer layers quite obsessively. Weirdos.