This is Lenman

Lenny Gaga

2010-08-13T05:30:00.001+10:00

Let's have fun, this catfood's sick, I wanna take a sniff of your litter stick.
I can see you standing there, from across the apartment, with a scowl on a face and a poo on the carpet.

Lord of the Dance

2010-08-13T05:29:00.002+10:00

Iiiiy it be McLenny... with this McBoots on playing his McFlute.
Shiver me bones.. where's me bagpipe??

Gordon Ramscat

2010-08-13T05:26:00.003+10:00

Aha!!!!!!! My New Calling.. a reality show called the 'L Word'

For F*!#'s sake. ya f!#*ing dumb c#*!.... I said eggs over easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ya f*#ker!!

Lenny Lovelace

2010-08-13T05:24:00.003+10:00

hmmm, this is not what I had in mind.

Don't Judge Me!

You don't know how hard it is for a performer!!!

One minute you're in the park and a guy comes past and says you've got a great face for film.. and the next.. well I don't want to get into it....

I don't know what was the most degrading.. when I was made to lick my own asshole or having eat Friskies.. seriously! friskies, only Hobo cats eat that shit.

The Phantom of the Operacat

2010-08-13T05:22:00.001+10:00

is herrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Being that I am in close proximity to the world famous West End, I have decided to make my debut. Luckily the apartment has a giant dance mirror in the loungeroom so I busy my days whilst the idiots are at work practicing my routines.

Broadway here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...whoa (keanu reeves voice)

2010-08-13T05:17:00.001+10:00

seriously...

Those guys on Portobello Green have the best freaking weed in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now to fly off and find me a spit roast and some cheese.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm cheese.

Up Town Girl

2010-08-13T05:12:00.003+10:00

I really just have no words..

this city is AWESOME!!!!

No one told me it was officially ok to wear your Ugg Boots in public. Rock On.
It's also cool to not have STD checks and sleep around a lot, so umm. yeah. I might have cat-aids right now.

Loving SOHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! finally, I am free to be me.

Good Morning Sunshine....

2010-08-13T05:08:00.002+10:00

And where in the goddam hell am I?!???!??!

27 hours in a crate of newspaper and my own urine, and this is what I come to??

I see I didn't rid myself of the Idiots, as I thought I had.. no no, they have taken me somewhere new. somewhere far.. somewhere smaller.

At least in this place I can get the wind on my face, and then one day, i'm out that window, down the window ledge, onto the street, hailing the 452 bus, going to Victoria Station, Catching the Gatwick Express and going HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

although I do like the look of those heaters.. mmmm warm

Things that have been happening

2010-06-05T01:34:00.004+10:00

sooooooo much.. has been happening... where to begin????

I am moving to ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay for me.

be prepared for my feirceness.."the queen"

there is a new pussy in town!!!!!!!!!!

Did you miss me bitches??

ofcourse you did..

The Lenman Blues

2008-12-03T15:22:00.004+11:00

De Nehhhh Ne Neh.

They got me locked up (De Nehhh Ne Neh)
In this damn room (De Nehhh Ne Neh)
I'm gonna shit in the corner (De Nehhh Ne Neh)
and there's nothing they can do!!!

Oh I got the blues
I got the spareroom blues
I got the blues
I'm gonna shit all over you

They think they can keep me
Locked up in this tiny place
well I got news baby
I just put cat poo on your face

Good luck getting that stench out
I'm better than yoo-ooo-oooou
I'm so cute. That's what i'm all about.

Backed up

2008-10-16T16:35:00.002+11:00

I haven't crapped.

I haven't crapped for 3 days!

The idiots think i'm off crapping somewhere else and follow me around all day long looking at my asshole... do you really think i'd be crapping somewhere as obvious as under the bed if I was going to all the trouble to crap elsewhere?

Let me tell you though - it will be something like that scene from Trainspotting when I do go.

yeahh - suck on that imagery

Me in happier days of a worry-free crap

xx

some weird creature

2008-10-07T16:04:00.002+11:00

one of these things entered the realm on Saturday Night:

A 'possum' apparently. or "ugly fucker" if you ask me...

I can see the advantage of having those razor sharp claws to claw the eyeballs out of the stupid captors heads, but other than that, no thanks.. you stink weird thing.

The idiots were totally freaking out, what losers. I was all "whateverrrrr.... is there anything good on TV"

Plus one of the bigger idiots was calling it a 'squirrel', listen retard, I may only live in a space around 55sq m, but I know the difference between a possum and a squirrel... um what hemisphere are you living in?

Tards.

Anyway, where was I??

Oh yeah, those claws... I could claw my way to freeeedom!!!!!!!!!

Or at least claw a massive hole in their stupid couch that I am never allowed to touch, yeah jokes on you suckers, just wait till you see what I did to the lining underneath.

Suffer!

Ode to Dental Floss

2008-09-29T15:54:00.002+10:00

Whats the big deal?

I like it. It smells good. Its like food on a string. Why does everyone freak the fuck out when I happen to eat a few meters of this shit?

Honestly. Yes I was choking. Ever considered that maybe choking to death on some dental floss is maybe the better option, if the comparison is being in the "sunroom" every goddam day. You know what?! The Sunroom. not so sunny at nighttime bitches!!

anyway, where was I?

Oh yes. Dental Floss.

I love it.

Why is there not a dental floss flavour in those shitty cans they insist on feeding me all day everyday?

Why is it that when I do eat the floss, they go batshit and pull it out of my esophogus rendering me speechless and causing me to yack up about my bodies weight in saliva.

Sometimes its better in than out.

So now I am banned from Dental Floss.

Fuck you!

Do you think your stupid bin with the lid will stop me?

Do you think I dont want to get into the flushy water bowl thingy? I love that thing. Leave the seat UP assholes.

Ergh..

I'll kill you all.

Lenny and the Magic Nugget's

2008-05-27T12:33:00.002+10:00

It was 7pm, and all the through the house not a creature was stirring. Not even a fake-mouse.

I had just stepped out of a nice warm shower, and was letting the jacuzzi fog seep into the hallway, Lenny was at my feet, and I walked down the hall to pick up what I thought was 'brown mousies'

It was however Not. Brown Mousies.

This was different.

Same size as brown mousies.. same weight as brown mousies.. same colour as brown mousies.. On closer inspection, to my horror. It was not brown mousies.

It was a poo.

A hard nuggety poo.

Where did you come from magic nugget? I just walked down the hall about 15 mins beforehand and there were no magic nuggets in the hallway. From whence did the magic nuggets come from??!!

Whilst these thoughts were running through my head, I realised I was holding a turd, and threw it in the toilet. I went back to disinfect the area and scrub my fingertips off.

Oh whats this??? a round magic nugget!! flattened from me standing on it and inspecting the previous nugget. Hello there 2nd magic nugget.

Socks = disinfecting tub
Feet = disinfecting bath
Hall = disinfecting bomb
Hands = disinfecting scrub

Where oh where do you come from Magic Nuggets. Lenny won't tell me. I think he knows though, as he hid under the kitchen table looking at me whilst I stood there inspecting his poo about to throw it down the hall when I mistook it for brown mousies.

You got me Lenny!

You got me goooooooood.

These Tings I Theenk

2007-11-28T23:28:00.001+11:00

What gives with Birds?

Do they not realise that I can get up to 3 cans of catfood a day if I look really pathetic and give them Princess Di eyes. They don't even know. Idiots.

Should I put suncream on my nose? I pretty much sleep about 7 hours a day in a constant sunbeam. That can't be good...

Harumph

Sometimes I wish I could make an escape rope out of the sheets and be freeee

Is that a Christmas Beetle?

Sometimes I just want to pee into the wind.

I'm sleepy.

Degrading....

2007-08-31T09:45:00.000+10:00

I dont know what's wrong with me, I have some sort of obsession with shoes.. call me a pervert if you wil but shoes, shoes! glorrrious shoes...

Let me nibble on your shoes, nyarm nyarm.

Pointy Shoes are good for gnawing on, and rubbing in the corners of my eyes.

What?? its not that weird.

Ask Lenman

2007-08-15T10:36:00.001+10:00

Welcome Readers to this Month's ASK LENMAN

Dear Lenman,

Can you offer me some helps of where a nice warm place to sleep in winter would be? You see I sleep outside on the stairs, and I fear that I am getting feline-hemorrhoids on my fluffy behind.. - Sincerly, Whitey.

Dear Whitey,

First of all I have no idea what this "outside" is that you speak of, why the hell aren't you inside your owners bed? shedding hair and sticking your claws in their back whilst they sleep. You see this blanket I am lying on, this is my special blanket - I suggest you get your own special blanket.

Dear Lenman,

Why Why Why Do you feel the need to bathe yourself on my head at 3am?.. - Sincerly, the feeding lady.

Dear Lady,

Why Why Why are you sleeping where I have a bath? this place is big enough for you to find somewhere else to sleep. Might I suggest on the stairs with Whitey?

Dear Lenman,

Why do cats sniff dirty underpants around the laundry hamper? this is kind of disgusting.... - Sincerly, Grossed Out.

Dear Grossy,

Have you not heard of "Au Du Crotch"?? It is an amazing scent that you stupid humans seem to disregard and wash off your outer layers quite obsessively. Weirdos.

Its my cat in a box

2007-07-26T19:43:00.000+10:00

It's my cat in a box, my cat in a box girl,
It's my cat in a box, my cat in a box girl

It's easy to do just follow these steps
Step 1: Open up a hole in a box
Step 2: Put your cat in that box
Step 3: Then you hide in the box
And that's the way you do it

It's my cat in a box... my cat in a box giiirl
It's my cat in a box, my cat in a box girl
Christmas; cat a box
Hanukkah; cat in a box
Thursday; a cat in a box
Every single holiday a cat in a box
Over at your parent's house a cat in a box
Midday at the grocery store a cat in a box ..

2007-07-11T12:54:00.000+10:00

Lenmans Life

So, what's been happening in the Life of Len Lately?? well...

FLEAS - yes I had fleas?? who knows where from?? fuckers. I have two theories, one being that the crackhead who hangs out on the stairs, "whitey"... left some presents for me, and the fleas somehow managed to find me, even though I am way too hot and silky for Fleas.. Do I look like a refugee to you?? So it was either "whitey" or some fleas hitchhiked home on one of the Idiots, I wouldnt put it past them to have fleas.. they are disgusting most of the time anyway.

FLEA BATH - so what did the Idiots have to do to get rid of the fleas? Major Bathage.. Urgh.. the flea shampoo left my fur less than silky, I much prefer Sunsilk, or Pantene over that rubbish.

WINTER - mmm cold much.. this sucks.. The only time I am truly happy is when I am soaking up the warmth from one of the Idiots heads or legs when they are sleeping.. I get right under the covers and radiate like a volcano till they pull me out worried that I might be getting brain damaged from all the heat.. what would they know?? Idiots.

Plus the usual, hangin in the laundry, hangin in the cupboards, hangin on the shoerack, playing with plastic bags...

Pics to follow once I can find the attachments to the new camera.

Peace! Len xx

Lenalous

2007-06-04T20:59:00.000+10:00

L-E-N-M-A-N-O-U-S

L-E-N-M-A-N-O-U-S
Lenmanous.... its a Lenmanous Life....

What you gonna do with all that cat?? All that cat upon your sack??
I'm a gon get get get get that sack, get that lovesac on my cat.
My cat, my cat, my cat, My Hairy little Cat..
Check it out....

The Magic Cat

2007-05-03T21:30:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time, there were a couple o morons... She-moron used to have a cat - but it died... and He-Moron didn't even like cats... One day She-Moron was reminiscing about the good ol' days of having a cat "it'd be nice to have a cat again"... "I dont do cats" replied He-Moron....

She-Moron looked allllll over the place for a cat.. Petstores "how much are your cats??" "$1000" "NEXT!"..... Catteries "what sort of cats do you have??"......"and when would you be available for purchase of such cats??"

She-Moron seemed to have found the cat of her choice... but then the lady didn't return her calls... till finally "oh my god where have you been??!! i've been calling you all weekend about your cats!!!" "cats?? oh we sold those cats.. we dont have any cats left".. She-Moron felt defeated...

Next She-Moron tried another cattery... "do you have brown cats??" "yes...".... "are they girl cats??"...."yes"... "can I come see the cats!!" "come to the park on saturday... there is a pet-fair and you can see the cats then.."
"I FOUND SOME CATS!!" She-Moron ran to tell He-Moron.. he was under-whelmed.. even moreso when he found out he would have to go to a Pet-Fair to see said cats.

The day of the pet-fair arrived with anticipation... "hurry up and parrrrrrrrrrrrk!! i wanna see the cats"... All around the fair they searched, yet the lady and her brown cats did not seem to be in attendance... they stuck around to watch the dogs dancing with their owners, but that did not take the taint out of the experience of being quashed, at getting a cat once again....

Finally, one day, She-Moron was perusing the classifieds out of boredom.. tractors.... cars.... wardrobes.... clothing.... cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some person was advertisting cats!! 3 cats!! must sell now cats!!! She quickly called the number "Do you have any cats left??" ".....perhaps...." said the person at the other end of the line..."have you ever had cats before?? how long did you care for these cats?? what size apartment do you live in?? what do you do for a living?? how many hours are you home??".. She-Moron answered all of the ladies questions, and finally was told "IF, you are available at 7pm, you may come and see the cats".... "YIPPEEE!!!! we're gettin a cat!!" She-Moron was delighted... "Are there any brown cats?? Brown girl cats??" "yes".. "hold that cat for me"

She-Moron and He-Moron drove to see the cats.. then they drove some more... and some more "where the hell are these freakin cats??" "far"..On they drove... to find their cat.

When they finally arrived at their destination to see the cats, the old woman answered them at the door... "there are two cats remaining... what are you looking for in a cat??"... "well it should be friendly, snuggly, want to sleep with you, and playful"... "then chose your cat".. and they entered the house of Shaolin Cats...

There were two cats... one of them brown and wiley, one of them grey and shy... She-Moron asked the woman "which is the cat you put aside for us??" .. She pointed to the brown cat... She-Moron sat on the ground to play with the cat.. it did not reciprocate, preferring to run around in the playhouse behind her...

The grey cat approached with trepidation, and jumped onto She-Moron's lap. "what do you want??"... Grey cat stared up at She-Moron with a loving smile... "hmmm he's not so bad.. but this isn't the cat we asked to be put aside"

"how much is this cat?" .."that cat is on sale, he is cheap, he's not a kitten anymore"... He was basically two weeks away from being forced to breed with his mother.

She-Moron decided to let the cats decide, so she sat on the ground with her legs crossed and let the cats come to her.. Grey Cat came up and sat in her lap and purred... "I think i want this cat".. "are you sure you want that cat??... he's very...clingy".."I love clingy"... "he wont leave you alone for a minute" "thats exactly what i'm looking for"... And so The Morons made their choice, and Grey Cat had a new home.

Whilst it wasn't the cat they had called up about, nor been there to see, it seems that the Magic Cat was destined to be a part of the Moron Family.

On the first night Magic Cat slept in She-Morons armpit...
On the second night too.
On the third night he perfected the art of running past really quickly and putting poo on your head from out of nowhere.
Magic Cat fell out of a window... three stories... and survived.
Magic Cat was everything they had asked for, he slept on their heads constantly, he followed them to the bathroom, he followed them to the front door, he meowed next to the bed when they weren't cuddling him, and sat at their feet when they were at the table.

It seems like Magic Cat was the perfect cat.. he was everything they had asked for.. perhaps too much.. "I didnt sleep last night.. Magic Cat slept on my head alllllll night" "tell me about it! I got up to pee and Magic Cat had to join and and do a crap... at 2am! I had to squat in the nude and scoop that shit up!"..

It seems that Magic Cat was the answer to all their dreams... if their dreams were to own a cat that was sugically attached to their armpits.

Sometimes you get what you wish for. Sometimes you get exactly what you need.

Busy Bee

2007-04-20T22:51:00.000+10:00

In sad news, the idiots somehow broke the camera, so there are less photos of me being cute.. and unless I'm shamelessly whoring my pretty face, I was thinking "whats the point in blogging?" a good story isn't as good without illustrations.

RECAP of Recent.

Idiot 1... the one who constantly follows me around after I do a poo to make sure i'm not dragging poo onto the carpet... (sif!!) has been home a lot recently, I think she's looking for a new job... It's really encroaching on my personal time...

Now I dont have the freedom to run up and down the hall for hours without someone sticking their big stupid face down the hall and asking me "whats goin down here then??"

I am over-cuddled.. I think I put in an 18 hour stint the other day, from the bedroom to the couch and we didnt move.. well, I could tell idiot wanted to move to get the remote, but I did the thing where you look really cute and relaxed and they dont want to disturb you, so she didnt move and had to watch something really bad on tv... suck shit.

The best thing to happen was, we had a visitor stay over and we needed more blankets and they must have borrowed the blankets from my girlfriend because I could smell her all over it!!! So I was AWOL for a few days whilst I soaked up all the phermones....

Other than that, I am cramped, I keep trying to escape on a daily basis.. I almost got out the other day, but the morons are fast.

They brought some ridiculous video game and have been jumping all over the loungeroom waving their arms around... peculiar... and they think I'M the weirdo for wanting to sleep in the cupboard with the saucepans..

Touche.

Lenman Band

2007-03-24T12:19:00.000+11:00

I'm recording my first album - titled 'Apartment Life'

I will be playing all the instruments.

Piano.

Drums

Guitar

Bass

Rock On.

I vant to suck your bloooooood

2007-03-20T14:56:00.000+11:00

I dont know what is scarier?? the fact my life is in the hands of the two biggest morons on earth, or the fact that i actually like them.

Is it MY fault that The Morons watched Underworld Evolution?
Is it MY fault that they went to bed all scared of vampires?
Is it MY fault that I had a hairball at 3am?

Hey, I consider underneath the bed right near their heads a prime spot to cough up a hairball. *Haaaaaack Ha-aaaaaaaaack*, how was I supposed to know they'd freak out and think there was a vampire under the bed??

From now on those two are limited to only watching DISNEY!
They'll probably think a werewolf is breaking in next time I do a large poo at four-o-clock in the morning. SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRRRRRATCH

Whitey... The White

2007-03-12T19:28:00.000+11:00

I was made for hating you Whitey, You were made for hating Me.
I can't get enough of you Whitey, Can you get enough of Me.

On the weekend, The Morons came home drunk and tried to socialise me with the skanky cat who lives on the stairs.

Why??

It was a bad idea..... First of all. I only like Humans. And second of all, if I was going to be friends with another cat, it wouldnt be one who spends all their time licking thier crack on the staircase all day.

I have standards.

FROM THE MIND OF WHITEY: whatta you problem eh? I licka you gotta problem? I like-a-you, all the time you meowing I come up the stairs and you treat-a-me like a poopies you get stuck on your fur. I don' need no stinkin peeety friendship, I waita to be a friends witha you, and you letta me know when you wanna make-a-nice.

Carpet Shark

2007-02-20T21:03:00.000+11:00

Ne...Ne

Ne.. Ne... Ne... Ne

NeNeNeNeNeNe

DiDiDooooooooooooooooooooo Ne Ne Ne Ne Ne

suck ups

2007-02-19T16:45:00.000+11:00

pffffft after the whole cheating debacle - see below... the morons decided to suck up to me with a new blanket.

whatevs.

they went to Ikea and got 'trapped' apparently, and were forced to walk all the way thru the marketplace, and got me a new blanket out of the sheer goodness in their hearts

PAH!

they were just scared is all, and this rug is a peace offering.

I dont know why they bother with blankets? considering my blankets really consist of a pile of clean laundry and or/their heads.

at least they are on their toes.

What the HECK@!! is this shit

2007-02-09T16:47:00.000+11:00

so, having a bit of a squiz on the old laptop I was.. and looky what I just happened to come across:

who the HELL!! is this??

what the HELL! are you doing on my owners shoulder! thats MY shoulder!

Tart. Both of you. Scum Cheater Fishbreath Skanks

what are you looking at??!! My claws as they come towards your face??

Oh that's just great. Germify all the clothes in the bag for when they return.

I dont know what the hell is going on in these pictures.. supposedly the idiots were going on a nice tropical holiday to hopefully "sleep with the fishes" as was my understanding.. but apparently they were up there shmoozing with a younger, smaller, cuter, fluffier version than my perfect self.

This just REEEKS of a giant poo. no wait... this reeks of about TEN giant smelly poos! to think you would get suckered in by this little vixens cutesy whiskery fluffball cuddle-me-eyes.

Pah!! you'll rue the day. RUE THE DAY.

Where is my scratching post? by that i mean. Your Face. At Midnight. After I wipe my kitty litter all over it.

This is NOT over.!!!!!!!!

My Holiday

2007-02-01T13:00:00.000+11:00

Yawwwwwwwwwwn

had such a great time at "rancho relaxo" ie: Georginas. Whilst it could be said that I spent a lot of time sleeping, i also enjoyed the delights of my wonderous paradise.

hanging near the aqarium, i actually didnt even notice this waterworld adventureland whilst I was there, i was too busy doing other activities, i'll know for next time to pack my goggles and fake tan.

bag time. who doesnt love a good bag?? Hours and Hours of fun to be had in a paperbag,

Darts. I became very skilled at the art of darts.

Shoe Fetish. I became a fashionista in the cupboard, telling George which heels to wear with what skirt. I was like "honey, noone likes wedges, they are so like, before I was even born"

Zzzzzzzzzzzz. I got so bored being forced to play 'the x-files' boardgame, that i lapsed into a momentary coma. even though i did know quite a few of the answers, thanks to the Morons, being avid X-Files Fans.

Chasies.

Overall, I had the bestest time evah! at Georgina's Cat Heaven. Walks on the balcony in my harness, seeing a BBQ for the first time, sleeping on someone elses bathmat and watching them pee.

Good Times. Good Times.

The Morons are taking me back captive again, to the land of No Darts. Jerks.

I'm going to get back at them by telling them to get lots and lots of pairs of Wedges, ha ha! jokes on them when they realise how stupid they look.

pffffffft wedges.

The Bug

2007-01-25T10:38:00.000+11:00

This bug is the most exciting thing to happen to me all year.

How sad is that.

Pretty sad.

So i have decided to go on a Holiday for some excitement.

This year I have chosen, Georgina's Cat Heaven. Comes complete with Cat-Walks on the balcony, Balcony grime to rub myself in to get the stinky Pantene off my fur, a really heavy door to play 'nudge' with, and a massive wardrobe to disappear into its many vortex's.

Can't wait.

Whilst i'm gone i'm sending the idiots to Cairns. Hopefully they get eaten by a stingray or something.

Vortex

2007-01-17T16:11:00.000+11:00

I had a Donnie Darko experience this morning. I temporarily disappeared into a vortex.

Whilst you might not think that the average apartment would have its own vortex, or Abyss of the Unknown.. you would be wrong.

Whilst it has been suggested that a vortex exists behind the TV or under the fridge, in which my mousies are consistently disappearing into. Today was a first in that an actual being, disappeared into the unknown.

I was missing for roughly 10 mins. It was clear i wasn't pulling a prank by hiding in any of my usual spots to fool the retards. They searched and high and low.. to no avail.

So where was I??

A new theory is that a vortex exists under the couch, which clearly sucked me into another dimension. As when i appeared as if from Nowhere.. my fur was all messy and i looked really ruffed up.

If only i had some answers, answers from beyond.

Stupid wormholes.

2007-01-08T11:24:00.000+11:00

Cat Me If You Can

my new favourite song. evah

Wardrobe Awareness Week

2007-01-07T18:04:00.000+11:00

This week I am raising Wardrobe Awareness. I dont think people understand just how cool wardrobes are, and I am here to rectify that problem.

Wardrobes are really great, for one, you can sleep on top of them and feel superior.

It's like being a king and looking down on the lowly peasants, plus its good to be incognito when people are looking for you.."good luck finding me up here morons"

So for Wardrobe Awareness Week everyone should go out and buy a wardrobe, apparently you can keep things in them too ?? ..

NYE Resolutions

2007-01-02T11:25:00.000+11:00

1. Find an alternate route onto the pillows on the bed, without having to stick my bum in someones head, or put my claws in their lips/neck, as apparently people don't like that and I get banned for the night.

2. Make love to rug whilst everyone is back at work. They were so cramping my style hanging around the house all day in their Holidays.

3. Instill "the year of eating at the table" eating off the ground is sooo last year.

4. Stop crapping on the tiles

5. Find the 1000 mousies that have mysteriously disappeared into a black hole, under the fridge? behind the TV? i dont know where they are, its an X-File.

6. Stop Singing "there aint no cats on the radio" by the Scissor Sisters, as apparently they aren't the real words, and its getting on peoples nerves.

7. Pee in the New Plant that is getting all the attention in the Kitchen.

8. Ruin the New Bedspread

9. Get rid of this hairball once and for all. preferrably at 3am so someone has to get up and give me attention.

10. Get Laid

Taco Man

2006-12-30T20:26:00.000+11:00

Taco Taco Man. I wanna be, a Taco Man.

num num. You'd think that I wouldn't like the spices of Taco Seasoning. You would be wrong. Some people say i'm overstepping the boundaries of acceptable cat behaviour at dinnertime.

Where would you rather I eat? the floor!! Sif.

Only Grubby Cats eat off the floor.

Do I look like a Grubby Cat to you?

Christmas

2006-12-27T11:21:00.000+11:00

I have to say, I honestly got the best presents in the house this christmas. That wouldn't be hard considering that the parents threw out every present they received from "the stingy family cunts"....

I got a rug, that is like a fine weave of champagne between my toes.

How I love it so.

So far I have spent about 18 hours on the rug, flipping around and stretching. So comforting. It's during one of my flipping, stretching sessions that I laugh at the parents because they received such shit gifts. That will teach them to buy nice things for people. I always say - the best gift comes from the arse, and that is why I leave a little present for someone when they first wake up in the morning, in my kitty litter.

Anyway, back to the Rug. Love. It.

Dignity Lost

2006-12-19T09:54:00.000+11:00

arghh

Well Well, What have we here? An Evil Man in a red suit, squeezing the life out of me. This is really the last straw. These people are freaks.

Plus you could totally tell that this man was not Santa, nice hackneyed beard old man.

When I said I wanted to get into modelling - this is not what I had in mind.

Sitting on an old geezers lap whilst some losery canines sniff around does not spell 'glamorous' to me.

My Modelling Career

2006-12-16T22:16:00.000+11:00

ahhhhhhh modelling. the camera loves me! Sometimes i'm just doing my thing in the hall, and the papparazzi chase me and take a million photos, it allows me to empathise with stars like Paris Hilton, and Nicole Ritchie.

Today I started the lastest trend in kitty fashion. It's called BAG.

We did some test shoots and we're going to send the proofs to Vogue magazine. Most likely European Vogue, because I dont think the Australian market is ready for it just yet.

BAG - rrp: $679.00

I dont wanna

2006-12-11T12:27:00.000+11:00

One of the Idiots went away and left me alone with her for 7 days.

What a freak of nature. At first I didn't mind, and thought it could be fun because I can make her feed me as many times as I want, and sprawl all over the bed, and I thought I would be playing chase mousies for days on end, because that other idiot, isnt here to distract her.

Whilst I did get fed more times than usual, I have to say I wasn't so impressed with my dinner yesterday - leftover kebab meat eaten off a plate left on the ground! inmates in Woomera detention centre get better treatment than this!!

Plus she annoyed me constantly - needy wench.. "look at my new boots!" "look at my new pyjamas" "come watch foxtel with me".. give a guy a break woman! I can see why the man of the house went away for a few days.

I hid most of last night and today on top of the wardrobe, and sooked, because she has not once thrown mousies down the hall! Plus she keeps over-sprawling herself and pushing me off the bed. Selfish Much.

The highlight of our time together was the excessive amount of showers she had, so I got to lick the bath for about 4 hours straight each day. That's some good lickin'

I think she is up to something too, she came home from outside, going on and on about some fat guy in a suit taking photos with pets at the vet. I am filled with a sense of un-ease. and will scratch the eyes out of anyone who makes me go near a fat man in a red suit.

time will tell.

Spite Poo

2006-12-06T10:08:00.000+11:00

Spite Poo - (verb)
The spite poo being when you are locked in the spare room - or what is colloquially referred to as 'the naughty room' and you do a poo on the carpet, out of spite.

ahhhhhh nothing beats doing a Spite Poo first thing in the morning. Do they really think they can lock ME in the spare room without me doing something in retalliation??

Next time they will think twice before kicking me out of the bedroom because i'm walking on their heads at 5am.. 5am is 'get up and feed me' time! don't they know this! Idiots.

The best part of the Spite Poo, is the realisation look on their faces, when they walk into their precious room to get ready for work and then before they can even wipe the crust from their eyes, they see my little present waiting for them on the carpet.

suckers.

They are just lucky I hadn't eaten lots the night before otherwise I would have spelled out "Next Time I'm going to Shit on your Head !"

HA. It's not like I had to clean it up.
Go Me!

The Circle Of Life

2006-12-03T21:31:00.000+11:00

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Zebenyaaaaaaaa Comewichemahwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

From the day we arrive in the apartment, And have our first nap in the sun.
There's more to lick, than can ever be licked.
More to destroy, than can ever be destroyed.

There's far to much to eat in one go, too many mousies, than can ever be found.
But when you throw the mouse high, in the hallway skylight, I'll bite your ankles when you walk on the ground.

It's the Apartment of Life. And it houses us all.
It's the Apartment... The Apartment of Life.

Mortal Enemy

2006-11-25T21:08:00.000+11:00

I hate this thing.
HATE. IT.
It is loud.
It is scary.
This thing completely ruins all my hard work.

I spend hours shedding hair, in every room , on all the furniture, only to have this stupid loud piece of crap come along and suck it all up.

I hate everything about it.
I hate that its green.
I hate that it sucks up my precious kitty litter that I leave around as a marking in all the rooms I claim as my own.

Mostly, I hate it because it gives me attitude. I'll be sitting there minding my own business when this loud effing shitbox comes and scares the shit out me.

Die Vaccum. Die.

The Jokes you you, Sucka

2006-11-24T12:31:00.000+11:00

Being new to using the computer, to which I was only drawn to in the first place because of the so-called "mouse" which I have learnt, it neither edible, nor moves of its own free will, I have discovered that actual 'humans' have these blog things too.

And that one can even get a Review.. (??)

Much to my chagrin, I realise that it is unfortunately made by the same idiotic species as the parents... Dumb Fuckers.

I just don't think that a Human is one to judge the placidity of my life - such is, my daily routine of lying around, hiding in cupboards, and licking myself.

Unless you have actually sat down and licked yourself for 2 straight hours, who are you to judge the banality of my favourite past-time?

You're just lucky that I am never allowed to leave the confines of the apartment, otherwise i'd shed hair all over your favourite black pants, and leave ass-crumpets all over the clean sheets, and get into bed with kitty litter stuck to me and stand on your head and breathe into your face for no apparent reason.

Don't try to understand me. Just love me for who I am, and I might jump on your lap and purrr.. that is all.

Rheem

2006-11-17T19:27:00.000+11:00

Is it just me or did it get insanely cold recently??

I tried all my most heat sourcing avenues. Under the Doona, In someones Armpit, and found the perfect place .. On top of The Rheem.

The best part about sitting on top of The Rheem is that noone knows where you are, and therefore think that you magically escaped.

The funniest part of this is that it is effing impossible for me to escape, yet The Retards think that I have the ability to open locks with my mind, and be able to dissipate my molecules and travel through glass windows.

They looked everywhere for me. Really "justifiable" places.... Inside saucepans, up and down the hall incase I mystically evaporated out of thin air.

Ha! Jokes on them when they finally found me in the New Best Hiding Spot Evah.

My ass is like toast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekend Shmeekend

2006-11-13T11:44:00.000+11:00

What is the big deal about weekends? Everything blends into a monotony of blandness for me anyway.

The most stand-out events that would distract me from my normal daily activities to symbolise a weekend are as follows:

Friday - was totally snubbed off so the parents could go to a play - which meant I had the house to myself all night, so I ran up and down the hall about 15 times. The exciting part was that they brought home some leftovers and a blanket with remnants of "outside" on it, so I got to sit on it and pretend that I too was outside enjoying life, rather than being cooped up all day.

Sunday - everyone was home and sleeping on my couches so I had to sleep on the floor like a loser. I hate when everyone is home.

In other news my dish has BROKEN! Not Happy Jan.

They tried to Superglue it together. what morons. do they not realise that, that shit is toxic? do they want me to die?

Look how pretty it was!!

I don't know which one broke it, but I have been torturing them trying to find out.

I did the 'shit on the sheets' torture on Saturday morning, so they would have to get up early and do laundry - because we all know, that noone likes to sleep in a bed with shit on it. Sucked In.

So for now, I will stick to eating off their plates when they aren't looking. I had some cake, weird. No fish or chicken in it at all. No wonder the parents are so grumpy all the time. stupid cake.

My Domain. My Bed

2006-11-09T17:14:00.000+11:00

I don't know why the parents get all uppity about me sleeping in the middle of the bed all the time - after all it is MY bed.

I sleep in it more than they do. If it was possible to make love to the bed, you'd bet your ass i'd be first in line.

To be exact, I like sleeping in between both pillows - sprawled out getting spooned by either one of the parents in bed with me.

I think this is the best position for me because it also means that the parents can't touch each other and have to hug up to me if they want any warmth or affection.

One time they tried to make me sleep at the bottom... yeah right.

Then they tried to give me my own bed, and whilst it was kinda cute.. it was really too small... compared to a queen size bed where I can really stretch out.

What is this?? a bed for a midget? I need S P A C E, and blankies, and someone's armpit to snuggle in.

Olivia

2006-11-05T21:09:00.000+11:00

I have mentioned in the past how much I love Olivia Newton-John.
I was doing an excellent rendition to Physical this afternoon:

Lets get Physical. Physical.
I wanna get Physical. Physical.
Let me see your claws move. Your claws move.

I know that technically I had a little "help" dancing, which might be misconstrued by any acting cruelty to animals society, as 'manhandling' or an 'abuse of power' or even 'a blow to a cat's dignity'.. but without the help I couldn't do my standing on hind legs move.

Getting Comfy with Lenman

2006-11-02T11:34:00.000+11:00

Its hard getting to my level of relaxedness. It takes training and hardwork, and I would like to share my secrets.

Clawing Stuff

Clawing things is very relaxing. It fun to destroy things, namely all couches in the vacinity of my claws. Its best to get good clawing time in when noone is home, because if they are home, they yell at you and chase you around, and getting chased isn't very relaxing.

Gettin Comfy Anywhere, Anytime

You have to be prepared to get comfy in any position. Ie: under doonas, on top of wardrobes, undeneath chairs, or the more abstract comfy place might present itself to you; like an Arm for example. Just block out the world and get into the position that you find most comfy. It's not necessary to close your legs.

Honing in on the comfortability of others

What better way to get relaxed and comfy than by finding someone who is already comfy and honing yourself in. It's a good idea to take note of when the parentals are having naps, reading a book, or just generally following them around and jumping on them when they sit down. It's also important to "out-relax" any other person in the room. If there is going to be someone who is insanely relaxed, its going to be me!

Fan Mail

2006-11-02T11:19:00.000+11:00

I got the mail today and thought "yippee! fan mail for me!"

yeah, it wasn't.

It was from some stupid bank or something. Could I open an account to store my Fancy Feasts in I wonder?

I thought maybe i'd be getting some mail from my friends, Emma, Oscar, Bella, or maybe a response to my letter that I wrote to WHISKERS after they stopped making my favourite canned food. I demand answers.

I like Mail. I like to gnaw on it. Nothing is better than having a good gnaw on a bill, christmas card, or important document (like birth certificates, or passports).. ofcourse, I get into trouble when I do this. But what else am I supposed to gnaw on?? you tell me.

Banishment

2006-11-02T11:03:00.000+11:00

I was banished again last night!! And for what!

Excuse me for standing on your heads at 3am. I didn't know you didnt like that. Excuse me for meowing incessantly next to your head. I didnt know you didnt like that either.

But that is no reason to banish me into the 'spare room' all night!

OOOh they'll get theirs!

The last time they banished me to the spare room all night I really got em back good by doing a sloppy poo all over the powercords.. It was kind of a miracle that I wasnt electrocuted to be honest.

Meh - as long as I have my 'tunnel', 'mr pelican', and assorted muppets on shoelaces, they can banish me as much as they want. Do they really think it makes a difference?

Sup

2006-11-01T15:39:00.000+11:00

Dewd.

Chilling on the couch and pretending to be human is one of my fav things to do (along with playing princess, destroying the couch, having my nails clipped and hogging the bed)

I must say, I am a bit peeved that I was kicked out of the bedroom last night! All I did was run up and down the hall 15 times meowing to announce that I had droppped a large smelly poo. What else should I have done ??

There are too many "rules" to live by.

If I wasnt so mindnumbly comfy right now, I'd get up and stink it up just to teach them a lesson.

OOh commercial break is over.

Inner Thoughts

2006-10-28T21:02:00.000+10:00

The Neighbours are having a party.
Why not invite me?
Is it because I shed hair?
Is it because I only eat stinky catfood?
Could they not have put out a tray of crunchies?
I'm a cool guy.
I would have performed my main tricks for them, namely, The Welcome Home Sprawl, My Licking My Balls Yoga-move.
Whatever. Their Loss.

mmmmmmmmm soo nice and snug in here. Alone.
I hate on the weekends when everyone's home and they feel the need to pick me up and tell me how cute I am every two seconds.
Cant a guy get minute of alone time to clear his head???

Apparently Not.

Hat

2006-10-26T10:21:00.000+10:00

This is my new hat that I am forced to wear around.

WTF??? Is it a tea-cosy? Do they think i'm Jamaican?? I just dont get it.
Unless they were going to give me a jamaican hat with the fake dreadlocks I don't see why I should have to wear this piece of crap.

Maybe if I poop in it they will throw it out? that works for most things I dont like playing with.

Trouble

2006-10-26T10:05:00.000+10:00

I'll admit it - sometimes I get into 'sticky situations' - mainly revolving around my love-affair with escaping.

The first time I tried to escape I fell 3 stories to the ground and noone even knew I was missing!!!!! (well for 10 mins) It was so scary and dark that I just hid where I had fallen. I honestly didnt mean to fall 3 stories, but I was out on the ledge and kinda didnt realise that it was tiny. So that pretty much sucked ass. Specially seen as how after I was found, I had to have a bath (stinks) and was forevermore banned from walking on any of the window ledges around the house... I am sooo cooped up.

The second time I escaped was really crappy - the parents had the front door open whinging about taking the recyling downstairs, so whilst they were preocupied I ran as fast as I could, and they gave chase. What noone told me, was that the parents didnt have keys, and the door slammed shut, and we were all locked outside, in the cold, with no shoes on. I was in sooooooo much trouble.

They love me though. How could you not?

Best Game Evah = Princess

2006-10-26T09:53:00.000+10:00

My favourite game to play is what I call "Princess"

"oooh look at me! i've been trapped by the evil witch! won't a handsome Prince save me!!!!!!!"

I can play Princess for hours. It fun to sit and stare through the gaps pretending that my Prince Charming will come and rescue me.

So what if i'm a dude? Prince Charming would take me away from my idiot parentals and take me somewhere where the ground is covered in chicken skin, and my litter would be made from rough-cut-diamonds.

mmmmmmm so safe and secure in my Princess Prison

Noone Listens

2006-10-24T12:47:00.000+10:00

Everytime the "idiots" go shopping, I tell them what they should be buying. Suffice to say - they don't listen.

What good is a Taco Kit to me?? I cant hold a frekkin Taco shell.
Muesli - frekkin tree huggin hippies. GAY! never buy that shit again
Other Hippy Food - trust me, we share a bathroom, you don't need any additional 'folate' in your diet.
Heinz Soup - the fact that you own Heinz soup just proves to me how sad you are.. sitting at home with me alone on friday night drinkin your soup for one. Get a life.

In the future, I want to see cans of Tuna, Salmon, Chicken Carcus, and more tins of Fancy Feast than meets the eye.

None of this pasta rubbish.
Are we Clear?
GOOD.

Rain??

2006-10-23T15:26:00.000+10:00

It was supposed to rain today - and even though i never go "OUT" I still like to be prepared, you never know, I could get splashback from my primo position on the ledge.

Mum said that I look like I should posing in some Van Gogh Art in this pose - me - fruitbowl - plastic weirdness. I am above modelling, too much standing and staring.

The good thing about dressing up in the plastic bag, was that i was allowed to loiter around the groceries as they were being unpacked.

This I like, This I dont like

2006-10-23T10:44:00.000+10:00

I like the following:

Having my nails clipped

Its so relaxing and really reaffirms my manliness. Plus it's fun to then sharpen my claws on the holy "couch".. I am always getting in trouble for that, but hey! don't cut my frekkin nails, and nothing will get scratched up. Idiots.

I like bags:

In particular - bags from expensive stores, David Jones bags, Peter Alexander Bags... whatever.. just give me a bag and I will entertain myself for a good 4 hours.

I do NOT like:

Being forced to dance like a human.

Hindquarter dancing feels wrong.... so wrong.. I don't look as cool as I normally would.

Let's Get Physical

2006-10-20T10:35:00.000+10:00

I love Olivia Newton-John.. she is the best. I can listen to her all day (when noone is home).

Last night I stayed up late doing aerobics and watching GREASE (best movie E.V.A.H), its times like this I could wear stilletto's and crush cigarettes out with my toe.

The Crew

2006-10-19T16:17:00.000+10:00

From what I can tell - there are 2 other cats who live in my building, they ofcourse get the pleasure of being "outside"... I have only been "outside" 2 times, and both were highly traumatising and resulted in me pooping myself and being forced to have a bath...(will go into detail some other time)

For now, I will tell you about the two cats who taunt me everyday with thier "outsideness".

1. WHITEY - from what I can tell, Whitey definitely had Cat-AIDS. He is so skanky its just not funny, He should probably get picked up by the RSPCA or something, because he sleeps on the stairs or in the garbage. I sooo don't want him coming anywhere near me and my lovesac. Whitey is gross. But I sorta feel sorry for him because he is all the time locked outside especially when its cold, and there is no way the parents would let someone who is all scabby and gross sleep in their bed, like I do.

2. ZACH - I met Zach once, and I knew straight away that he was a rapist.. I reckon he probably raped Whitey and gave him AIDS. Zach doenst even live in our building yet he struts around like he owns the place. He sux so much. He eats Whiteys food and bullies him into sleeping near the Recyling Bins so he can have the prime position on the stairs.. I hate him so much.

So I am sorta glad that I am locked up Rapunzel style in the apartment, I really don't want to have to deal with those guys on a daily basis. At least my foodbowl is clean and I dont have to share it with anyone. Sharing is Gay.

Oh and there are some birds outside as well.. But I def hate them. All birds should die. Now.

Playcat

2006-10-19T11:00:00.000+10:00

Is it just me or do I look insanely hot in this photo??? I think i might send this to Hugh Hefner, he could do with a bit of pizazz in Playboy, rabbits are soooo out.. I also like how my eyes are amazingly amber, God I am even turning myself on right now...

ZINNNNNG

Mood: Lethargic

2006-10-18T11:01:00.000+10:00

Meh... So tie tie.... the fricken Magpies were up sooooooooooo early this morning, can they eff off and SQUARK elsewhere?

I've been feeling really flat lately, its been raining and I lost my favourite mouse behind the TV, plus the parents keep shoving me off their heads and try to make me sleep at the bottom of the bed near their feet. AS IF! What am I ?? Guttertrash?? I am so underappreciated.

It's times like this I wish I had thumbs and could turn the TV on, I know Animal Planet is on Foxtel, it would get me through the long dreary days.

Suppose I should get up and eat.. or not... whatever.

Like I care.

I wants to get highhhhhhh

2006-10-18T10:32:00.000+10:00

Come on Man!! Mull it Up!! Mull it Up!, I wants to get Highhhhhh, So Highhhhhhh... I'm hanging man! Come On!

Heh Heh.... Dude, you like, realise that you walk on both legs right?? Dude that is awesome.. Heh... got any whiskers on ya?

Check Me Out! i'm in yer shoes!!!! I rock so hard when i'm stoned..... I need a snack.

Me and my Fro Fro Bro

2006-10-17T11:13:00.000+10:00

This is me and my 'brother from another mother' - Mr Pelican. Hug it out!! Sometimes I feel like he is the only one who understands me. He lets me wail on him, or make love to him in the hallway. We don't have to be ashamed of our love.

Pingerheads

2006-10-17T11:04:00.000+10:00

I hate it when the parents come home after a night on the pingers - they keep me up allllll night with their pinging activities - which I have to partake in.

This is such a bad angle, as I was clearly off my head and peaking badly right now.. all I can remember, is that they came home, put the glowstick on my neck, and the rest is a blur.

This is where i started crashing a little, I was in a kinda K-Hole at this time, feeling reaallly seedy n shit. I wanted to put on some Snoop and G-Bang it out in the loungeroom, but the pingerheads wanted to play scrabble... They are soo lame.

If my memory serves me correct - it was goin OFF on top of the cupboards, its really the best place to feel your groove, its all private and you feel all superior looking down on everybody from up there.

Finally I crashed out, had a massive comedown and did an eccy-poo that got me banned from the bedroom for two days!! The best part of the night was the love-fest where everyone sat around stroking me and I purred so much I think i broke my voicebox.

Sprawling

2006-10-17T10:45:00.000+10:00

yawwwwwwwwwn

so sprawly...

Its hard to tell what is more comfortable; having my arms free floating, or having a pair of knees in my back.

I should really get up and do something - like licking myself. Or maybe i'll just sprawl here awhile longer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What do to.....

2006-10-16T22:02:00.000+10:00

Sooooo many hours to fill.... many people would think that a housecat has a simple "easy" life, yah! right!.. its all running up and down the hall and lickin to you people, I have goals too you know.

For instance, tomorrow, I will partake in the following:

7am: wake up the parentals, stand on their heads till they wake up and feed me.
7.30am: partake in family bathroom time, ie -toothbrushing, showering, and me doing a large smelly poo.
8am: stage a 'protest' at the door
9 - 12pm: play in new toys, stare out the window, check food-bowl, attack the couch in a matter of ninja power
12 - 5pm: naptime
5 - 6pm: nap at the door till parents come home, sniff shoes when need inspiration
6.45: do 'welcome home' stretching routine at the door, and get more food
7 - 8pm: run around entertaining the parents, ie; scratch up the couch, hide under the bed, jump on the blinds, hide in cupboards, do more smelly poos.
8 - 10pm: downtime on the sac (time for me to lick and reflect on the days work)
11pm - 6am: chase imaginery things up the hall, do laps around the house, work out the days calories and excess energy, jump up and down on the bed a thousand times till i get the primo spot. Snuggle under the covers like a human, and look cute.

REPEAT everyday

its tiresome i tell ya.

Shit on my Fur is no Biggie

2006-10-16T21:55:00.000+10:00

pfft assholes. If they shit on the floor, i'm sure its ok, if IIIIIII shit on the floor, its like a fricken anthrax outbreak.. "oooh clean the shit off the carpet"... "oooh clean the shit off lenny" ... you'd think their shit doesn't stink the way they carry on.

Do they not realise the space I have to work with is really tiny?? and that after all the digging and burying (which can be rather hypnotic) you sometimes forget what the hell you're doing and you stand in your own shit.!! I can deal with just licking it off, can't they just deal with it on the carpet for a second.

whatevr... I bet they don't let me into the bed tonight either. Gaybo's.
Next time i'll purposely shit on the powercords again.. that'll teach em.

Idiots

2006-10-16T21:27:00.000+10:00

pfffft the parents put me in this humiliating ensemble.

I wouldnt mind it so much, but it has fricken ballerinas all over it. gaaaaaaahhd.

If i wasnt born gay, these guys will surely turn me eventually.

Aghh

2006-10-16T20:42:00.000+10:00

Monday, October 16, 2006

Aghhh Monday

finally the parentals fucked off and went to work, i dont see why they feel the need to keep me captive, its not like there is anything outside that I am truly that intersted in.

Yesterday mum changed the blanky on the lovesac, it was pretty effing comfortable, and I didnt move for about 6 hours.

Yawwwwwwwwwwn, this morning I almost escaped.

zzzzzzzzzzzz 10 hours zoomed by.

WooooooooooT! just watching Idol whilst I chase the mousies up and down the hall. Bobby was voted off, he is almost as weird lookin as that rabid hamster that tried to crack onto me in the vet.

Boo You Bobby.

Lenman xx